In the often tense and serious environment of hospitals, where patients and healthcare professionals navigate through illnesses and treatments, a good dose of humor can be a welcome relief. From witty one-liners to playful anecdotes, hospital jokes have been a longstanding tradition, offering a moment of levity amidst the challenges of illness and recovery. In this article, we delve into the world of hospital jokes, exploring their role in boosting morale, fostering connections, and even aiding in healing.
Doctor jokes
1. Doctor: “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.”
Patient: “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad news?”
2. Doctor: “Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”
Patient: “Give me the good news.”
Doctor: “You’re about to have a disease named after you.”
3. Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
4. Patient: “Doctor, I think I need glasses.”
Teller: “You certainly do! This is a bank.”
5. Patient: “Doctor, I broke my arm in two places.”
Doctor: “Stop going to those places.”
6. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”
7. Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Actually, not only from curiosity.”
8. Doctor: “You’re losing a lot of blood and need an infusion. What’s your blood type?!”
Patient: “B positive.”
Doctor: “I’m trying, but you’ve lost a lot of blood.”
9. Doctor: “You’re as healthy as a horse!”
Patient: “That’s great.”
Doctor: “A horse with kidney stones.”
10. Doctor: “I’m sorry, but you only have five minutes to live.”
Patient: “Five minutes?! Is there anything I can do?”
Doctor: “Boil an egg?”
11. Patient: “Doctor, I have a ringing in my ear.”
Doctor: “Then whatever you do, don’t answer it.”
12. Patient: “Doctor, everyone hates me.”
Doctor: “Don’t be ridiculous. Not everyone has met you.”
13. Doctor: “Bad news: Your white blood cells are elevated.”
Patient: “What does that mean?”
Doctor: “Up.”
14. Patient: “Doctor, Doctor! My son just swallowed a roll of film!”
Doctor: “Let’s hope nothing develops.”
15. Patient: “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”
Doctor: “Then don’t do that.”
16. Patient: “Doctor, my throat is sore.”
Doctor: “Go to the window and stick out your tongue.”
Patient: “Will that make me feel better?”
Doctor: “No, I just hate my neighbor.”
17. Patient: “Doctor, my child swallowed a pen. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Use a pencil.”
18. Patient: “Doctor, will be able to play in the band?”
Doctor: “No. You have Tuba-culosis.”
19. Patient: “Doctor, every time I look into the mirror, I get sick to my stomach. What’s wrong with me?”
Doctor: “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”
20. Patient: “Doctor, my leg hurts. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Limp.”
21. Patient: “Doctor, I was bitten by a radioactive spider!”
Doctor: “Congratulations! You get a movie franchise.”
Medical jokes
22. Want to hear about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist? Brace yourself.
23. It takes guts to be an organ donor.
24. You can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely.
25. I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain, but somebody had ripped the appendix out.
26. Medical students hate the test on kidney stones, it’s the hardest to pass.
27. I once heard a joke about amnesia but I forgot how it goes.
28. Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine but CAT-scan.
29. I just had a successful liver transplant operation. That surgeon really de-livered!
30. The plague, the flu and common cold walk into a doctor’s office. The doctor asks, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”
31. For years, I was against organ transplants. Then I had a change of heart.
32. The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
33. I have a mysterious illness where I seem to get sick only during the work week. My doctor says it’s a weekend immune system.
34. The doctor told a patient, “You have acute appendicitis.” The patient replied, “Is that better than an ugly one?”
35. I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport puns. The doctor says it’s terminal.
36. I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.
37. Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Medical puns
38. PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
39. A friend of mine made so many rash decisions that he became a dermatologist.
40. Nurse: “Wow, that cut looks terrible. Do you want me to stitch it up?” Patient: “No, thanks.” Nurse: “Fine, suture self.”
41. I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.
42. I considered inventing a new pill for erectile dysfunction but decided the competition was too stiff.
43. Doctors are like God: people also put off seeing them until it’s time to die.
44. The infectious diseases ward of the hospital has the best Wi-Fi because of all of the hotspots.
45. I only trust happy doctors, which is why my primary care physician is Dr. Phil Goode.
46. I went on a date with a beautiful cardiologist. My heart was racing the whole time.
47. My doctor said I only have 10 weeks to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill, he gave me another six months.
48. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
49. Why do surgeons wear masks? So no one will recognize them if they make a mistake.
50. What do you never want to hear after you get a prostate exam? “Anyway, the doctor should be in shortly.”
51. How is an ER like a hot nightclub? People are dying to get in.
52. A skeleton goes to the doctor. The doctor sizes up the skeleton, then says, “Aren’t you a little late?”
53. My doctor told me to run 5 miles a day. When he called in two weeks for a follow-up, I was 140 miles from home.
53. What’s the one procedure that has never ended in a patient’s death? An autopsy.
Conclusion
In the serious and often stressful environment of hospitals, humor serves as a beacon of light, offering moments of levity and connection amidst the challenges of illness and recovery. From witty one-liners to playful anecdotes, hospital jokes have a unique power to bring smiles to faces, ease tensions, and foster connections between patients and caregivers. As we continue to explore the healing power of laughter, let us remember the words of Norman Cousins: “Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.”